The Anal Probe Makes Perfect Sense

In 1987, Whitley Strieber wrote a book entitled “Communion:  A True Story”.  In this work, Strieber describes an account of an individual who claimed to be abducted by aliens, which is recounted as follows:
“The next thing I knew I was being shown an enormous and extremely ugly object, grey and scaly, with a sort of network of wires on the end. It was at least a foot long, narrow, and triangular in structure. They inserted the thing into my rectum. It seemed to swarm into me as if it had a life of

Don't laugh.  It works.

Don’t laugh. It works.

its own. Apparently, its purpose was to take samples, possibly of fecal matter, but at the same time I had the impression I was being raped and for the first time I felt anger.”

Since then, the term “anal probe” has by and large become a pop culture joke.  According to, it has evolved into vulgarity depicting graphic sexual activity such as “brownfinger” and “velvet chainsaw”.

The idea that an alien race would visit our planet and spend its time abducting rednecks living in trailer parks and sticking things in their rear ends is hilarious without a doubt.  Wouldn’t they have bigger fish to fry, like having the President kneel before Zod?  Of course, that is assuming an alien race actually exists and has malevolent intentions.  If the purpose of an alien race was to enslave the planet and steal its resources, it would be the logical first step.

Or would it?

For the sake of amusement, let’s assume that an alien race DOES exist, but that it is peaceful.  What would be the first thing it would want to know?  It would most likely want to make sure that it wouldn’t die as a result of infection from a virus or parasite to which it had no immunity.

What is one of the first procedures a veterinarian will do when you take your new dog or puppy for his initial appointment?  A stool sample.  Veterinarians use stool samples to test for parasites, abnormalities in digestion, and serious health conditions like cancer and infection.  Humans also provide stool samples to health providers for many of the same reasons.  The difference between us and animals is that we can communicate with each other and provide these samples willfully.  Humans cannot communicate with animals, so when your dog goes to the vet, they collect a stool sample by inserting what looks like a small spoon into the anal cavity of the animal.  It is an anal probe by definition.

So perhaps aliens subjecting humans, with whom they may not be able to communicate with effectively, to a stool sample would make perfect sense for self-preservation.  Unless they have similar powers to General Zod, who was immune to bullets, so why waste time on a few tapeworms?


Posted on January 19, 2013, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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